 When Ernest Clay Puckett traded in his spittoon for a wagon his neighbors said he was mad; however, fourteen years later Mr. Puckett is now the proud possessor of a world renowned wonder. Dubbed the "Gooey, Gooey Hock-a-Loogah" the nearly four-hundred pound, thirty-six gallon loogie is all the rage among young and old alike. Visitors come in droves to the old Puckett farm in Bumpass, VA just to witness the mucousy marvel. Supporters of this slimy sensation, who don't mind the smell, bring their families and rave to their friends of Puckett's pusy prodigy. Caps, t-shirts, miniature flags, etc. all featuring the titular mascot, "Oogie Loogie," are being seen the county over. But not to be outdone, Mr. Puckett is still increasing his phlegmy friend. "I hock a big greasy, green goo-ball into it e'ery chance I's get," says Mr. Puckett, "Real nasty luggers too." Mr. Puckett, who has never consulted a doctor and does not plan to, intends to move his lascivious loogie into an above-ground pool. And, according to Mr. Puckett, for just a teensy additional charge of $17, he'll let wonder seekers take a dive and thrash about his thrilling throat butter, which he boasts has "rejuvenative properties." Mr. Puckett is an altogether interesting person and, to boot, a person of interest in at least three ongoing cases. And in an unprecedented development, news from the Vatican has it that on his upcoming Washington trip Pope Francis, himself, will make a special detour in Bumpass to bless the bilious behemoth. But hurry the last day to purchase season passes ends soon and be sure to phone or email ahead as wait times are growing. Slime spa specials begin April 1, 2024. |
 Drop Bears Invade Residential Homes... And Get Verified on Social Media! Almost unprecedented development from Wooloongabba, a suburb of Brisbane, Australia, has come early this morning regarding the incursion of drop bears into residential homes and their later verification over social media. The present danger is severe. Attics have been opened whereupon residents have been struck unconscious by the barrage of severed hands and feet raining out. Likewise, serious injury has been caused by drop bears flying out of refrigerators (this is, of course, to say nothing of the growing panic and dread caused by house hippos in Canada). Indeed, there seems little cessation of such grisly attacks, which, since the time you began reading this, have quickly spread to other suburbs of Brisbane and are rapidly descending upon the continent as a whole. Authorities have issued all manner of warnings and prohibitions against the usage of toasters, such remain in effect. Also, as Vegemite is deemed an effective deterrent against drop bears (if placed behind the ears), supplies of the substance have grown dangerously low and fears of a national shortage are on the horizon. Residents of areas so infected are advised to stay outdoors until further notice. Curiously, many news outlets very nearly dismissed the whole situation as a joke; however, as the news first broke from verified drop bear accounts over social media the veracity of such a concern was readily acknowledged due to the integrity of social media verification, of course, being beyond all question. Stay in-doors and sleep no more! The drop bears are at your door! |
Easter 2022 on a TUESDAY! 😮🐇‼️ So not many people know this but 2022 will be the first time in nearly 300 years Easter will fall on a Tuesday and Good Friday will be on a Monday. Just a reminder for everyone to mark their calendars in advance. |
For as long as we can remember, April 1st has been a day celebrating practical jokery and harmless pranks. However, this year is to be different. Due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, April Fools’ Day has been effectively canceled. A binding mandate issued last night by the Office of the Chairman for the Global Council on COVID-19 Response, has suspended the holiday indefinitely and revoked April Fools’ status as an official holiday. The adoption of this measure has been sweeping and has been effected in virtually every jurisdiction were it has been put to vote. Moreover, there is still no word as of yet when the ban might be lifted. It should be stressed that this measure is extremely binding and could very well mean the end of the holiday forever. A statement, from the Office of the Chairman for the Global Council on COVID-19 Response, reads: Effective immediately, all activities, celebrations, gatherings, etc. in relation to the April 1st holiday [April Fool's Day] are suspended by authority of the Office of the Chairman for the Global Council on COVID-19 Response. This is to include but not limited to any tomfoolery, capers, buffoonery, nonsense, horseplay, shenanigans, mischief, stupidity, antics, pranks, silliness, or foolishness of any kind. Such is not to be tolerated under no circumstances. Any violators, if jurisdiction dictates, may be flogged by clogs under penalty of further flogging. It is the conclusion of the council that hilarity of any sort perpetuates COVID-19 at ludicrous speed. |
Many who grew up in the late seventies may well remember the heated debate over the illicit use of “hens’ teeth,” which was sought after for its psychoactive properties. American youths, hoping to experience a state of euphoria, would grind hens’ teeth into a fine powder sprinkling it onto their corneas. While this produced the desired effect, it also induced blue glitter-like vomit known as “star dust” and internal hemorrhaging. Wisely, the government banned all harvesting operations; an initiative applauded by animal rights groups due to the cruelty it wrought on hens. On this day in history, in 1979, a local man busted a massive hens’ teeth smuggling ring while police seized more than 3,000 pounds of the contraband from a Virginian farm. The man later expressed he was just doing, “what any good citizen would do.” This man was Ernest Clay Puckett, a simple, country gentlemen. One April morning, in Bumpass, Virginia, Puckett was driving along 609 when he noticed a stalled vehicle. Immediately, he pulled over to render assistance. Rather than a friendly welcome, however, Puckett received two shots from a revolver. Luckily, the first shot only grazed his middle finger. Unfortunately, the second shot was a direct hit clean through Puckett's right learnotis. Presuming him dead, the culprits then loaded a heavy bag from their vehicle onto the back of Puckett's truck with which they quickly sped away. Puckett, a veteran of eight years with the U.S. Army Corps of Haberdashers, took out his trusty army sewing kit. With just a few buttons and thread, no anesthetic nor sterilization, he successfully sewed his torn learnotis in a rolling hitch knot. Puckett, having been a Screaming Eagle Scout, imitated the matting cry of Southeastern howling wampus. Sure enough, this attracted the attention of one of the animals from a traveling circus. Upon mounting the beast, Puckett rode taking a short cut through the old Hawkins Farm following the sound of his vehicle; being able to discern the characteristic clack of antlers from a recently slain jackalope dangling from his tail gate. Puckett traveled to the edge of an abandoned farm spotting his truck from afar. Puckett then opened the doors to a large barn. Therein, Puckett found hens in disarray having been extracted of any teeth. Puckett then noticed an army of hired gun thugs, ages seventy-three to eighty-five, through the window of the farm house. Seizing the moment, Puckett grabbed an ax and chopped down a large tree felling it into an old silo. The silo came crashing to the ground scaring a large number of snipe. This created such a noise as to excited a great number of cows. The enraged cows then stampeded through the farm house. Afterwards, a gun fight between the cows and the private army ensued. After calling authorities, the illicit goods were uncovered and what was left of the offenders brought to justice. Anyone who has family members who recall Ernest Clay Puckett are encouraged to contact info@thrillland.com. So, his memory may live on. |
